Valentine's Day- Reflections of Love

It is hard to comprehend the importance of today. I think Valentine's Day holds different meanings for different people. As you may know, I teach 7th grade. Essentially, teaching 7th grade is like teaching kindergarteners with hormones. I look around today at all the teddy bears and roses- the concept of love through a hormonal 12 year old. Puppy love. The concerns they have are real- issues I never had to deal with until high school or beyond, but real to them and just as hurtful. I ache for the broken hearts, but more I ache for the casual nature the words "I Love You" are thrown around.

I choked on those words in jr. high and high school. I heard everyone saying them- and they sounded hallow. In college, I was 20, and I learned what those words really meant. I could feel them in the depths of my soul and I was truly in love. It was way too much, way too soon and as those stories often do- it ended in heartache and tears. I wish him nothing but the best, have apologized for my immaturity and think about him every time I hear the song "What Might Have Been". But life has roads that must be travelled and lessons that must be learned.

My road led to me to a marriage to a decent man who was as wrong for me as I was for him. On every level we could not communicate, had different ideas of where life should go, where it shouldn't. I did love this man, but never felt the true soul pounding love I felt with my first love. To me, at the time, I thought I was making a wise choice. Being 'in love' was too scary, hurt too much, and was just not an adventure I felt strong enough to tackle. My ex-husband was wronged by me in that I entered a marriage with that intent. That I entered a marriage intending not to ever be truly in love again. For that I am truly sorry. I am not sorry for the marriage, because it produced 4 of the most amazing human beings I have met. My daughters- my drama-filled, loving, intelligent, beautiful daughters. They exhaust me on every level, every day. I worry about doing something to screw them up, I worry about not teaching them enough about life to be successful, I worry about showing enough love and affection, and I worry about not letting them be kids enough. Parenting is a synonym for worry.

Four years ago I got divorced, and I became a single parent. I learned to 'date' for the first time ever. I learned about being an individual, about growing up, and about being ok with myself and my choices. I was content, and then on my 34th birthday I got the whammy! I met P. P bowled me over- every emotion I had worked so hard not feel, hit me like a mack truck, and after 14 years, I thought I could be ready for it. P and I are both emotional and passionate. P is a leader and I am not exactly a follower, and P fell in love with me. I do not know why- everyday I wonder why a man would willingly take on a wife and 4 daughters. Go from single to instant BIG family. But he did, and he loves us and everyday I consider him my Gift from God. P had just as rough of a road for love and so, together, we made "God Bless the Broken Road" our song. The girls call it our 'family song' because it describes how we became a family.

Most importantly, P is the first man I am able to say "I love you" to without it being hallow. My kids were easy- the love I felt for them just overflowed, and I needed them to hear the words daily. P taught me that was possible with a relationship- and I will always be greatful. He is not a perfect man, but then I am not a perfect woman- but together we do imperfection perfectly.

So, I pray my girls will wait for love and to not fear it the way I did. I hope they embrace the fear of it- those moments love literally makes you want to throw up on your shoes. Because it is worth it. Love does hurt, but it also creates a safety you can rely on.

We have a rule in our house, the last words you say to one another are "I love you". It doesn't matter what emotions we are momentarily feeling (disappointment, anger, frustration) under those, it is alway love. We never know what the world will bring, but we do know that if our last words are constant, that there will never be a doubt about the foundation of our family. As we tell the girls, when you walk out that door, know you have a family who loves you and always has your back. I hope everyone has that level of love in their lives.

So what did P get me for Valentine's? What he gives me everyday- love, compassion, sweet things he whispers when he thinks I am asleep. Today, he is in Daytona at the races. He is having fun and enjoying a sport he loves. He is getting some much deserved downtime. If he comes back relaxed and perhaps with a new Dale Jr. souvenier or two, my Valentine's will be perfect. P needs a break, and today he is getting a break. That is a gift to me.