Things I love about my life....

So, reading through some of my blogs, things have a bit of a negative sound. I thought I would post the things I currently love about my life. This is more for me than for you- but enjoy anyway!

1) That I have a husband who loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world (next to Heather Locklear- but heck, whose complaining when that is my 'competitition' and he wonders why I am not encouraging LASIK :-) )

2) That I have at least 3 people on speed dial who would walk through fire for me.

3) That I have at least 3 people on my speed dial that I would walk through fire for.

4) That I have the love of 4 of the most beautiful girls in the world (but I don't like that everytime I blink, they are growing up)

5) That I have students who love being in my class and tell me they miss me.

6) That I am known as the 'crazy' teacher.

7) That I have been able to rekindle old friendships.

8) That I am not afraid to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you'.

9) That I have lost over 50 pounds and kept it off for almost 4 years!

10) That my brother and his family live closer.

11) That my niece greeted me like I was the most important person in the world on Saturday night- move over Belle- here comes Aunt Kate!

12) That I have in-laws who are wonderful!

13) That I can officially laugh about junior high- now that I see it from an outsiders perspective.

14) That I have a really clean car.

15) That God blesses me everyday.

I could keep going- what are your 15 things you love today?

The three most powerful words...

I always hear that the three most powerful words are "I love you", but if you have read any of my previous posts, you know that I feel most people over use and under appreciate those words. To me, the three most powerful words are "I need you"- or any variation of that.

I need to feel needed, and when anyone I love or respect tells me "I need you" or "I need your help"- I will climb through fire, swim through infested waters, and give the shirt off my back to fill the need. This happens at work a lot. Work, I feel appreciated- not always by my 110 7th graders (although I tell them they will remember me forever), but by my colleagues and administrators. My AP always ends our conversations with "Hey, I appreciate you." While it sounds silly, and sometimes it still catches me off-guard. I know he means it with all sincerity and it is his way of recognizing the things I do above and beyond, that I consider the norm.

The other night I received a call from my Sister-In-Law. She has just moved closer to us with my brother, niece, and nephew. Transition sucks for Moms... especially non-working Moms who have small children not in school. I was there last year. Moving sucks to central Florida. Sorry folks, but in many areas people are not welcoming. When we moved here 2 years ago, I was shunned by Mom's Groups as an 'outsider', I couldn't get phone calls returned from other Mom's Organizations, and the volunteer opportunities at the girls' school were not conducive to meeting other Moms and making friends. The Moms I did meet had nothing in common with me- a low maintenance, drink beer out of the bottle kind of gal. I did not like going to the beauty shop, did not have nails (an occassional pedicure was one thing) and had no idea Vera Wang made pants. Talk about being a fish out of water. I thought play groups meant jeans and a sweatshirt, or shorts and a tank- always with a baseball cap. I had no idea heels were required, jeans a no/no and full make-up and jewelry were prerequisites. I cried a lot. I was lonely a lot. I left the house less and less. My husband worried, my father panicked, my clothes got a heck of a lot looser because I lost another 20 pounds.

So, I said, I have to go back to work. I did not want to re-open the photography studio because it was not daily interaction with colleagues- it was interactions with clients. I wanted to teach my whole life, and Florida gave me that option. I fumbled through the alternative certification process, and applied for the first job. There I met a wonderful principal who hired me... I thought "God, thank you for answering my prayers." I had a purpose, I had a way to meet people, and I could fulfill a dream. The year at that school was amazing. I met wonderful people, made lifelong friends, and was mentored to be a successful teacher. It also opened doors with my Mom- who was in education for over 20 years, and a sister-in-law who teaches in Ohio. So my accidental career change has changed my life in so many ways.

But getting back to my sister-in-law. She is in the same transition, at that same lonely place, and she called to say she needed me. I am very blessed to have hubby P who has the same need for those three words as I do, and said- jump through fire, swim in infested waters- you need to be there for her. So, tonight I get to spend a girls' night out with one remarkable woman. I get to go shopping, eat dinner and see a movie that has nothing to do with war, cars, violence, or testosterone. I get to make someone laugh, help a friend realize that we all have 'bad Mommy days" and that life gets better in Central Florida- just not overnight.

What she has no idea of, is that saying those three little words did more for me than they will ever do for her. She will make friends, she will have a happy and successful life in her new town, and she will forget she ever needed me. But I won't, when I feel useless I will remember that phone call and know I was worthy to someone for one moment.

Health Care... what can I say?

I am new to this blogging world, and I am taking a great deal of direction from my friend Lawyer Mama. I like to read her blogs because she is intelligent, well-spoken, and truthful. She also reminds me that each of us are our own people separate from our roles of Mom, Wife, etc.

Reading her blog this morning, she led me to a post about Health Care in America. I have included the link for you. Even though I am not a democrat (sorry, folks), I think there are some real issues that are non-partisan and everyone needs to consider. This woman's story is horrific to me, yet also hits close to home. Let me explain why.

My oldest daughter was diagnosed bi-polar last July. There are split decisions around the medical world about whether a child can be diagnosed this young, whether it is behavioral or medical... blah, blah, blah. Believe what you want to believe- that is your right, but when you walk in my shoes and watch your child spiral from emotional to emotional 10, 20, 30, 40 times a day, when you find a suicide note from a 9 year old, when you get physically attacked by your child one minute and hugged the next- then you can tell me this disease doesn't exist in children. You can tell me that the symptoms going away once she is medicated is a figment of my imagination, or that the fact she has successful peer relationships for the first time ever, now that she is medicated, is just maturity- or my personal favorite- my child's ability to plot, plan and scheme to prove she needs these medications. Come on- she just turned 10! She is plotting, planning and scheming how to stay up past 8:30 or how to get out of homework or chores... not this. You can preach to me it is the environment I have raised her in, whatever and however you want to judge me or my child. You can look at my other 3 children who do not suffer from this disease, and tell me that they don't behave this way because they are additional kids, and I made the mistakes (screwed up) with the first. Believe me, I have heard it all and been accused of it all. Ignorance at its best.

Of course there is the stigma of mental illness- which thank goodness is decreasing inch by inch. What concerned me most (and still does) is the lack of coverage for mental healthcare with our insurance. R.'s prescriptions run $150 a month, with co-pays. She also sees a psychiatrist once a month for meds (30% co-pay) and a psychologist 1-2 a month (again 30% co-pay per visit). Not bad for a chronic illness. However, insurance has deemed she only gets 20 total mental health office visits per year and co-pays only kick in after 100% of the deductible is met. The co-pays are also a percentage, and not the flat fee I would pay a pediatrician. So upfront, we have to pay $1000 out of pocket, and then the last couple of months we have to pay the $150 per visit expense for each office visit. She is also only limited to 10 days per year for hospitalization and that is paid at only 70% because it is mental health. So any required hospitalizations for med switches or reevaluations are limited by insurance. A safe med switch takes 5 days, and if she has any episodes, we are dictated to her care in a safe environment by insurance.

The expenses we will take, we will handle, we will continue to do what is best for our child. However, what is completely unfair, is that my child has a chronic illness. This illness is medically substantiated. Her brain does not produce the right balance of chemicals. How is this different from a diabetic child whose body does not produce enough insulin? In my eyes it is not. Both are diseases that don't go away. Both are diseases that require constant medical care. Both are diseases that are medically proven- why does the diabetic child not have the same restrictions when it comes to access to healthcare or the same reductions in benefits?

http://momocrats.typepad.com/momocrats/2008/02/hate-to-waste-3.html

Valentine's Day- Reflections of Love

It is hard to comprehend the importance of today. I think Valentine's Day holds different meanings for different people. As you may know, I teach 7th grade. Essentially, teaching 7th grade is like teaching kindergarteners with hormones. I look around today at all the teddy bears and roses- the concept of love through a hormonal 12 year old. Puppy love. The concerns they have are real- issues I never had to deal with until high school or beyond, but real to them and just as hurtful. I ache for the broken hearts, but more I ache for the casual nature the words "I Love You" are thrown around.

I choked on those words in jr. high and high school. I heard everyone saying them- and they sounded hallow. In college, I was 20, and I learned what those words really meant. I could feel them in the depths of my soul and I was truly in love. It was way too much, way too soon and as those stories often do- it ended in heartache and tears. I wish him nothing but the best, have apologized for my immaturity and think about him every time I hear the song "What Might Have Been". But life has roads that must be travelled and lessons that must be learned.

My road led to me to a marriage to a decent man who was as wrong for me as I was for him. On every level we could not communicate, had different ideas of where life should go, where it shouldn't. I did love this man, but never felt the true soul pounding love I felt with my first love. To me, at the time, I thought I was making a wise choice. Being 'in love' was too scary, hurt too much, and was just not an adventure I felt strong enough to tackle. My ex-husband was wronged by me in that I entered a marriage with that intent. That I entered a marriage intending not to ever be truly in love again. For that I am truly sorry. I am not sorry for the marriage, because it produced 4 of the most amazing human beings I have met. My daughters- my drama-filled, loving, intelligent, beautiful daughters. They exhaust me on every level, every day. I worry about doing something to screw them up, I worry about not teaching them enough about life to be successful, I worry about showing enough love and affection, and I worry about not letting them be kids enough. Parenting is a synonym for worry.

Four years ago I got divorced, and I became a single parent. I learned to 'date' for the first time ever. I learned about being an individual, about growing up, and about being ok with myself and my choices. I was content, and then on my 34th birthday I got the whammy! I met P. P bowled me over- every emotion I had worked so hard not feel, hit me like a mack truck, and after 14 years, I thought I could be ready for it. P and I are both emotional and passionate. P is a leader and I am not exactly a follower, and P fell in love with me. I do not know why- everyday I wonder why a man would willingly take on a wife and 4 daughters. Go from single to instant BIG family. But he did, and he loves us and everyday I consider him my Gift from God. P had just as rough of a road for love and so, together, we made "God Bless the Broken Road" our song. The girls call it our 'family song' because it describes how we became a family.

Most importantly, P is the first man I am able to say "I love you" to without it being hallow. My kids were easy- the love I felt for them just overflowed, and I needed them to hear the words daily. P taught me that was possible with a relationship- and I will always be greatful. He is not a perfect man, but then I am not a perfect woman- but together we do imperfection perfectly.

So, I pray my girls will wait for love and to not fear it the way I did. I hope they embrace the fear of it- those moments love literally makes you want to throw up on your shoes. Because it is worth it. Love does hurt, but it also creates a safety you can rely on.

We have a rule in our house, the last words you say to one another are "I love you". It doesn't matter what emotions we are momentarily feeling (disappointment, anger, frustration) under those, it is alway love. We never know what the world will bring, but we do know that if our last words are constant, that there will never be a doubt about the foundation of our family. As we tell the girls, when you walk out that door, know you have a family who loves you and always has your back. I hope everyone has that level of love in their lives.

So what did P get me for Valentine's? What he gives me everyday- love, compassion, sweet things he whispers when he thinks I am asleep. Today, he is in Daytona at the races. He is having fun and enjoying a sport he loves. He is getting some much deserved downtime. If he comes back relaxed and perhaps with a new Dale Jr. souvenier or two, my Valentine's will be perfect. P needs a break, and today he is getting a break. That is a gift to me.

A smorgesborg of things...

I can't believe it has almost been a month since my last blog. Time is literally flying by and many times a day my head is spinning- literally. Perhaps I should see the doctor about these dizzy spells, but that would require time. Quite frankly, I am trying to master fitting 30 hours into a 24 hour day, and life is just not letting me. Maybe it is the time-continuem thing, but whatever it is- I just wish it would let me have my way once!

So, what's happening? Well, I am coming up on deadline #2 of my certification and I am missing 3 tasks. I did what any red-blooded student does- I grovelled, and received a 2 week extension. So, no rest for the weary.

The flu has hit the house- and I am a sympathetic puker. So, this is just lovely. Not sure how to get through the next few days, but will survive. The baby also received a concussion Sunday night- so after 8 hours in the ER, a CT scan, and IVs, we were assured only a minor screw got knocked loose and she will be good as new. I was too exhausted to break it to the Doc that we all have loose screws in this family- it is our survival mechanism. But I took my baby home anyway and followed the instructions just in case it was the fall and not genetics.

I really wish I could post something highly intellgent or significant to the world, like my pal Lawyer Mama... but these days I am surviving on coffee, Dr. Pepper, and pure luck. I will have to find my brain in order to piece together an intelligent thought to put down on paper. I am vaguely aware of the election- in Florida I just hope that our citizens are smart enough for the ballot this year- God help us all!