Connections

I have been having an insatiable desire to re-connect with people from my past. I am not sure where this desire is coming from... I can't pinpoint a specific answer to the why. I do know that many of my women friends are going through the same thing right now- so maybe it has something to do with hormones of the 30-40 crowd. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I can actually catch my breath these days. I feel as if the last four years has been a complete whirlwind... the last three being the most fantastically, dizzying times of my life. In that whirlwind, things that were not stapled down, cemented to me, or just plain hanging on for dear life, got inadvertently lost in the blur. The fact is that I miss my old friends. I miss the memories with them, the connection with people who knew me through my innocence, my loss of innocence, and when I was Katie discovering Katie.

At least from my perspective, I don't have enemies from the past, and perhaps I put on my rose-colored glasses when I look backwards, but then, I don't find anything wrong with that. Resentment and anger are pretty heavy burdens to carry. Every person from my past has good qualities (even if I never acknowledged them back then) and I remember these memories with the sunshine of the good and not the shadows of the bad. These people are marks on my pathway of life and I am as interested in discovering who they became as adults as I believe they are in me. I no longer dream about reconnecting with an old flame- that desire was lost 10 years ago, but the old flames helped shape who I have become and hold a part of my past within them. While the flames have died the embers of friendship will always exist and that is how I want them to be a part of my life now- friends. All of my old friends- I want to know that they are well, that they are as happy as I am, and that if something should ever happen to me and my children go in search of the story of my life, these people have my blessing to share every intimate and embarrassing detail.

So friends have started contacting me, and me them. These are old names and faces to me, but to Phil, they are all new. I think it has shaken him a bit- why do I need these people now, is he not providing me with something, is our life together lacking something important? Quite the opposite. I am very proud of being Phil's wife. I think I hit the jackpot with him and consider myself the luckiest woman on Earth. Having that sense of pride in my family and our life together makes my desire to re-connect with the past grow stronger and stronger. Look people, look at how blessed I ended up becoming! Look friends- you were right- I would have a great life, and you always reminded me of it- even when I didn't believe it myself. For those friends still searching, I want to show them what is possible for every human being if the person is just patient.

Bottom line, I am in a place in my life where I am content. Sometimes the routine of life gets annoying, and that is when old friends help me recall a crazier day (which I have no desire to relive by the way- no desire to be stupid again) but it is fun to be mature enough and comfortable enough in my skin to be able to laugh at my old self. I love the place I am in my life. I understand what being a friend is truly about, and God has smacked me with some of the most amazing women and men to be friends with- people I never tell enough or show enough how appreciative I am of their time and talents. I do not wish to replace these people with the old, or completely let go of the old for the new. In my ideal world, I would have a barbecue and every person I care about, past or present would all come together. And every person they care about would be there too- so we could all get to know the stages of one another. Since we are all scattered to the four corners of the Earth, this can never happen- but it is a sweet dream. Except when it comes to the clean-up- that I would hire out!

I am at a crossroads in life- that place where I am who I am and it is finally ok to let my past and present merge together to become my future.